Boston Tourist Safari
The first really wonderful weekend in Boston, obviously Jill and I wanted to get out of the city. Why? tourists, that’s why. They fill the city like hair fills a drain when a balding man takes a shower. (I don’t know why I made that analogy, it’s filled with pretty bad imagery). After unsuccessfully finding something we could go do out side the city we decided we’d embrace the tourist season and go on a type of safari. As we walked through the city we tried to discover as many different types of tourists as possible.
Colligat-visitus (a.k.a College Parents)
 colligat-visitus |
These tourists can be found around Boston colleges. They are mainly seen loading and unloading cars with boxes full of crap. Careful observation will show they also spend alot of time making their offspring feel socially awkward around their peers. |
Redsox-fanus (a.k.a Redsox Fans)
 Redsox-fanus |
Found around the back bay area these tourists can be spotted by their plumage of nothing but Redsox gear. They mostly travel in small drunken herds and can get very aggressive towards locals and the worst tourist type Yankeee-fanus (yankee fans). |
Lostin-cityis (a.k.a Lost in the city)
 Lostin-cityis |
Found through out the city with a bewildered expression on their face, these tourists are mostly found with a map in front of their face, which causes them to walk in large circles and get in locals way. Also can be seen riding in the wrong direction and paying close attention to every stop while riding on the T. |
Oldis-noshirtus (a.k.a old men with no shirts)
 oldis-noshirtus |
For those of you that are squeamish, be warned. This version of tourist comes out on the hottest weekend. They display their old man boobs in attempt to cool down (like a dog panting) and in some cases in an attempt to attract mates. Most noticeable feature is a leather like hairy red chest. |
Swanboatus-ridus
 Swanboatus-ridus |
These tourists will wait an hour in a line full of screaming offspring to ride 10 minutes around a pond. Can be spotted carrying diaper bags and having sticky hands (from offspring who have eaten too many pbj sandwiches). Closely related to Duckboatus-ridus (duck boat riders), who can be seen roaming around the streets of boston, communicating by quaking. |
This is just a sampling of the different types of tourists that visit the city, but the season is young, and more will flock. Jill and I will be there to observe and educate, so that you might be able to spot tourists on your own.
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